Glad to say bye to the winter
I`m so happy for spring already came and the March is over. It was really difficult month both result and mindset were disaster. You will (probably) never find my graphs in this blog to be jelly about my ups or to feel good or sorry for my bad runs. Just want to share my feelings and thoughts as a female poker player who struggles on her way to nl100 :)
Even if it seems crazy to not use trackers these days I simply do not need them. dont whant to overestimate numbers as I dont have databases with million hands on my opponents. I play two or so tables and have a plenty of time to do notes with info that no HUD will give me.
Mouthguards over shoes
It is good to spend sometime away from computer. Thats why I do jogging and workouts and started to do MMA. Workouts are hard and I am nearly dead after it. But I will get stronger. First time I came the coach thought I came there by mistake and keeped joking about my red mani/pedi but then he said I will be ok. Maybe I am tinny but was doing karate few years ago and I am always happy to kick somebodys ass.
So I am going to put all money I spend monthly on shoes into my new passion. Ok, am allowed to buy one pair/month
I love grappling and I love Conor
As jogging and workouts are good for me to stay healthy and to look good in shorts, MMA will add more confidence what I can use to be a better poker player.
You wait for pics with me sporting black eye or broken legs :D
People I love hates poker
What else to write about it? Just dont know how to deal with my family. I want them to acceptate that for few years Iam going to play poker. Thats my decision. They made decisions for themself and didnt ask me for advice or comment. I cant imagine myself to go to my sister and tell her what she suppose to do with her life. But she feels free to do this to me. Once a month she and mums comming and talking about prison, being criminal, not good person and other shitty stuff. They are sure I will bust all my money, their car and house and sell their organs to russians. i know its blblabla but makes me feel guilty to play sessions, they come to my room and look at me as I am doing something really disgusting. Then I have to stop playing and even cry coz I feel its not fair to make me down for such a reason. its most difficult during the downswing. my thoughts are like: maybe their right? maybe iam wasting my time doing something am not good at? and my confidence is even lower. This is my biggest problem right now.
They want me to get proper job from 8 till 5, but iam theatre director and dramaturgist and there is no chance to find good job in my city and I dont want to earn mcdonalds moneys. its better to play poker, but they cant understand it. maybe when i will be able to buy house or some big stuff from poker they will leave me do it and not disturb me. but i dont want to proof anything to them. its so difficult to me to take it out of my head and stay strong to not giving a shit about theirs opinion.
It was similar with my ex bf. he is high skilled something something in bank industry and hated me talking poker and playing. when he went to nyc for work and thought i will come over he said its impossible for him to have me playing poker as he can not imagine himself going around Atlantic City picking me from the casinos. he dumped me at least with nice words like i will love you forever.
Why people think its ok to bully me? and why i cant tell them to fuck off? maybe because I love them so much :(
Iam bipolar and for everybody who has no idea whats that mean i have to say its not as funny as being bisexual- coz its illness. doctor said she will be giving me different kind of pills to find out what will be best for me. it takes about two months for one kind of pills to start showing how it works so Iam a laboratory rabitt at the moment and still waiting for best treatment to fit me and keep me as sane as possible. I cant ask doctor if its ok to take that pills and play poker coz she will probably send me to the mental hospital, but I asked if I can drive a car or if it will have an impact on learning new things or so. she said I can drive a car but she is not sure if I will be able to stayed focused like I used to before they diagnosed me. told me to find out it on my own and keep tracking results. i feel good, can read books as in the past, can focus, i think normaly. but iam a bit insecure coz cant be sure about my emotions if they are normal or not, so maybe my mindset will improve when doctor will find best pills for me. looking forward to this!
Did go on with my bankroll rebuilding. Played nearly 40k hands and more than 180hrs excluded study. As I have 5bi stop loss and find myself breaking it last two months ( ohhh, such a good table with whales- or- ohhhhh, it was deep so it counts as 1bi only or much more silly excuses) have to proudly report that I manage to did it just once. Busted over 12bis
I tried to figure out if playing lower limites than I used to play last months has an impact on my mindset and game and it was big part of my warm ups- to set myself to stick to my ranges and strategy and stop doing moves like: I cant fold it- its silly fishreg from nl10. I reminded myself of sentence from Baluga`s Easy Game book about folding to agression from weak players. Its old stuff but still very true according to the micros.
Played mostly two or four tables trying to focus on every hand, sizing, timing tell, doing notes. But what I know now it was silly to play long sessions as I got bored by peoples mistakes or furious about it when card dead and could do nothing to take advantage of their bad play. Card dead on two tables could be very difficult to stand it. At least for myself. Its better to play shorter sessions like 1-1.5hr of good focus then take a break. But when I start to play my session is like a 6 or more hrs until I really feel tired or hiting stop loss.
Found myself hurrying to get my roll back and start to play "the real" poker again which i mean nl50 ofc :) many of you must to rofl now coz knows that its not big different between micros limites but I was really desperate to do it. It shows how bad my mindset was.
I was studying by watching videos from higher limits player and his great comments make me understand better and better what kind of lines should I take and what are the reasons to do so. Wanted to understand everything asap and make new concepts about ranges and sizings part of my game. Big mess in my head lead me to do spazzes that regs commented into chat called me clown and polish sausage. And I had to agree with first one as my plays were ridiculous and not with second one as I`m not into sausages.
After I calmed down and back to my game just trying to pay more attention to play without autopilot and think ranges I felt secure and happy with my sessions. But results were bad. Not really bad, but it was like +2bis one session -5bis another so I was going nowhere with rebuilding. As I have no proper feedback from session reviews was really hard to find out if its variance or me playing poorly. but cmon, i was doing quite ok on nl50 and now cant beat nl10??? its small sample so it could be variance. the worst feel was looking at hands over and over to spot mistakes and feel guilty for every mistake i managed to found as I felt I have no right to do any when running bad.
I took few days off from the tables to think about poker and me as a poker player and If my goals are setted well or I am pushing myself into something I dont really want to do? Maybe its good idea to hire a mental game coach? Do you know anybody with good price I can afford for now?
So as you can see Iam a little bit lost at the moment :)
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